What Do I Do?

I've had enough! I'm sick of all the shit people spread, their selfishness, their ability to lie right to your face and expect you to take it - the list goes on. As for one person, I've never felt hatred with so much passion towards them, and I know that it's only going to get worse. The amount of times I've sat stewing, waiting for the right moment to say what needs to be said is countless: I've never wished death upon anyone, but I sure as hell wish it upon him!

I honestly don't believe that everyone in this household is as clueless and they let on. I mean, what happens in that room (right next to mine - and my mum's - with paper thin walls), under this roof, and at that amplitude, in such a quiet environment, with no one hearing it except me? Nar! That can't be possible. I really don't want to be the one that could potentially destroy relationships within this family, but I may have to be.

I actually have no idea what I'm going to do?! I don't want to be in this situation at all, and I know that if I leave it, especially without saying a word; it's only going to get worse. I can't let it get to that point and something needs to be done. But what? What do I say? When do I say it?

This has got to be, the biggest conundrum I've ever had to face!

Why Do The Good Die Young?

On Monday 30th May, 2011 - a friend of mine took his life (reasons still unknown). I hadn't know him for longer than a year, and we didn't hang out a lot but right from the first day we met, we got on really well. I just wanna write this as my tribute to him.

Dear Sam,
The first time we met you were drunk and walking up through the town with two of my really good mates, after talking for all of 5 minutes, we headed back to the pub for a few more drinks - that's where I got to know you properly. You were such a great bloke, full of life and had an uncanny gift for making people laugh and smile. After that night, we continued to speak on Facebook and exchange texts, as well as hang out on the odd occasion. Georgina's BBQ was epic. As soon as you turned up, you was the life of the party (a quality of yours that will be gravely missed). I could go on to mention other times that we've been graced by your presence, but to be honest, a lot of them I don't remember well or, at all because of being so drunk.

We're all going to miss you, Sam. None of us will ever forget you and I just hope that you really are in a better, happier, pain-free place - that's what you would of wanted. Although I didn't get the opportunity to get to know you to the fullest extent; I feel privileged to have even known you at all. I'm proud to have called you my friend. We love you.

R.I.P. Sam
(07/07/1990 - 30/05/2011)

It's Time To Start Believing Again

I feel like I'm losing all control of myself and so many things seem to keep knocking me back. I'm losing all self-belief in my abilities and my confidence is getting knocked because of it.
The thing that is suffering the most is my confidence in my ability to rap. I feel like I can't pick up a pen and write because I fear that whatever I write will not meet my usual standards. I've got to somehow get out of this mindset.
Not only am I suffering with my music, but almost every other department is suffering too. At this point in time, I feel like I can't do anything; I'm currently having to claim unemployment benefits because I just can't seem to get a job, and I know it sounds vain, but I'm starting to feel really shit about the way I look as well as the way I feel about myself in general.

I know that I've got to make changes and stop being so selfish, arrogant and persistent (with the things I shouldn't be so persistent with) if I want to start feeling good about things, and I'm prepared to put in the work that needs to be done in order to do so.

My Realisation!

Over the past couple of weeks I've learnt some things about myself. I've learnt that I just don't know when to quit, and because of that, I keep pushing limits that I really shouldn't be pushing at all. Because of this stubbornness, I keep causing arguments with the one girl I love the most which is resulting in her thinking negatively about everything. I really don't want to be that same person I was just a couple of years ago. Why do I never seem to learn from such things? I really thought that I had got past it and that I was growing up. Obviously not!

I'm tired of fucking everything up and making things worse for myself and everyone around me. I have made so many mistakes, but what's worse is my decision making. That's something I vastly need to improve.

Whilst I am taking the time to state my faults and the things I need to work on; I also want to take this time to apologise to anyone I have hurt over the years. I also want to apologise for any rift I have caused amongst others and to the people I have lost friendships with because of my stubbornness. I'm prepared to make changes to improve myself, and I'm working hard to ensure that I do so. 

My Continuation To The Previous Post

The previous post is something I wrote just after her passing; something which I've altered the year to match the present time. 

I just wanted to add my continuation as it's now 2 years on (18.04.2011):

Over the past 2 years I have found it so hard to remain strong and hide my weaknesses. I've not let myself become vulnerable and held back the tears. I fight each and everyday to hide the pain, and it hurts deeply knowing that you're gone. 

When I came to visit you in the hospital, and when I saw you laying that bed, it hit me. I couldn't believe that it was real. I felt something that I've never in my life felt before. I was scared. I didn't know how to react; but even with the oxygen mask and the tubes, you were still smiling, being surrounded by family and friends.

After hearing the news that you had died, later that week, I couldn't believe you were gone. It was a sad day for us all. Going to the funeral was probably the most difficult experience of my life because I was old enough to know what was truly happening (unlike when nan and grandad passed, I wasn't really old enough to understand). 

I tried to stay strong for Mum, Dad and Ben. I held all my emotions back. And even now, I still haven't grieved properly.

After my live performance on 21.06.2009 I dedicated my whole show to you. When I came off stage, I was so overwhelmed with adrenaline and millions of other emotions flowing through my body, that I actually broke down and cried. 

What I regret each and day is knowing that I had every opportunity to come and visit you, and I never took them often. I guess I just wanted to remember you without the wheelchair, and remember all the happy, earlier memories I had of you. I'm always going to miss you, just like the rest of us. I'm just sorry that I never got the chance to enjoy you more and have a proper goodbye. 

We love you so much, and you'll forever live on through our memories.

R.I.P Anne, we'll see you on the other side.

You're Forever With Us. (R.I.P)

Today is a sad day for me and my family. It's been 2 years (to the day) since we lost a beloved member to our family (my aunty), Anne. 

Suffering from M.S (Multiple Sclerosis) made it difficult for me and my brother to see you, and now I really regret not seeing you enough. You have always been a strong person, a great believer in God and never lost faith. To live and lead the life you did, makes me happy to know that I was related to such a great person! I will always remember the good times that I spent with you when I was younger; and as much as I never really saw you when I was getting older, I'm still always going to miss you. 

I think the most painful thing for all of us was seeing you lying in that hospital bed during your last few days. Seeing you in that hospital bed hurt me so much knowing that was possibly the last time I was going to see you.

You have always been an inspiration to many and have made an impact on everyone’s lives; I know that you have definitely made an impact on mine. I just hope that I can live the way you did. A happy and selfless person. I know that wherever I go and whatever I do your always gonna be watching over me and helping me realise my potential, guiding me to doing the right things and taking me to all the right places. I have never really been a believer in God and have never really thought that I would ever believe, but you have shown me that there really is something to have faith in.

"Anne shone like a star in our universe for all too short a time, embodying all that these scriptures describe for a true child of God. Throughout more than 20 years of illness, she never complained once, but instead more and more reflected the Lord she served all her adult life. She touched the lives of everyone she met and we will never be the same. A light has gone out of the world, but is now shining even more brightly in heaven."

R.I.P Anne - May you be in pain no more and may you have eternal happiness, you were truly a star and we will miss you dearly. Sleep well and rest peacefully! 20th October 1957 - 18th April 2009

Sleep Please?

Ever since I hit my teenage years, I have somehow stumbled into this pattern of sleeping late into the day and not going to sleep until the early hours of the morning (sometimes pulling all-nighters). I guess I feel that if I go to sleep during the night, I'm going to miss out on some grown-up shit that I really don't want to miss. That habit surely needs to be broken.

Again, it's currently 4:53 A.M. and I'm still yet to sleep. What's worse is that, being in this routine (especially over recent years) seems to have had quite a negative effect on my health. I've suffered numerous throat infections, lung infections and I've also developed, what's known as, a 'Hiatus Hernia'. Because of this, I've developed anxiety, which was (and still sort of is) causing me to have panic attacks. Another factor may substantially be down to my lifestyle and diet.

I really need to start taking better care of myself if I want to be able to have any chance of getting better, as well as having the life I wish to provide for my future. I'm not the sort of person that gives up without a fight, and I'll even keep fighting when there is no hope; that's just my mentality, and I'm sure as hell not going to give up now!