My Continuation To The Previous Post

The previous post is something I wrote just after her passing; something which I've altered the year to match the present time. 

I just wanted to add my continuation as it's now 2 years on (18.04.2011):

Over the past 2 years I have found it so hard to remain strong and hide my weaknesses. I've not let myself become vulnerable and held back the tears. I fight each and everyday to hide the pain, and it hurts deeply knowing that you're gone. 

When I came to visit you in the hospital, and when I saw you laying that bed, it hit me. I couldn't believe that it was real. I felt something that I've never in my life felt before. I was scared. I didn't know how to react; but even with the oxygen mask and the tubes, you were still smiling, being surrounded by family and friends.

After hearing the news that you had died, later that week, I couldn't believe you were gone. It was a sad day for us all. Going to the funeral was probably the most difficult experience of my life because I was old enough to know what was truly happening (unlike when nan and grandad passed, I wasn't really old enough to understand). 

I tried to stay strong for Mum, Dad and Ben. I held all my emotions back. And even now, I still haven't grieved properly.

After my live performance on 21.06.2009 I dedicated my whole show to you. When I came off stage, I was so overwhelmed with adrenaline and millions of other emotions flowing through my body, that I actually broke down and cried. 

What I regret each and day is knowing that I had every opportunity to come and visit you, and I never took them often. I guess I just wanted to remember you without the wheelchair, and remember all the happy, earlier memories I had of you. I'm always going to miss you, just like the rest of us. I'm just sorry that I never got the chance to enjoy you more and have a proper goodbye. 

We love you so much, and you'll forever live on through our memories.

R.I.P Anne, we'll see you on the other side.

You're Forever With Us. (R.I.P)

Today is a sad day for me and my family. It's been 2 years (to the day) since we lost a beloved member to our family (my aunty), Anne. 

Suffering from M.S (Multiple Sclerosis) made it difficult for me and my brother to see you, and now I really regret not seeing you enough. You have always been a strong person, a great believer in God and never lost faith. To live and lead the life you did, makes me happy to know that I was related to such a great person! I will always remember the good times that I spent with you when I was younger; and as much as I never really saw you when I was getting older, I'm still always going to miss you. 

I think the most painful thing for all of us was seeing you lying in that hospital bed during your last few days. Seeing you in that hospital bed hurt me so much knowing that was possibly the last time I was going to see you.

You have always been an inspiration to many and have made an impact on everyone’s lives; I know that you have definitely made an impact on mine. I just hope that I can live the way you did. A happy and selfless person. I know that wherever I go and whatever I do your always gonna be watching over me and helping me realise my potential, guiding me to doing the right things and taking me to all the right places. I have never really been a believer in God and have never really thought that I would ever believe, but you have shown me that there really is something to have faith in.

"Anne shone like a star in our universe for all too short a time, embodying all that these scriptures describe for a true child of God. Throughout more than 20 years of illness, she never complained once, but instead more and more reflected the Lord she served all her adult life. She touched the lives of everyone she met and we will never be the same. A light has gone out of the world, but is now shining even more brightly in heaven."

R.I.P Anne - May you be in pain no more and may you have eternal happiness, you were truly a star and we will miss you dearly. Sleep well and rest peacefully! 20th October 1957 - 18th April 2009

Sleep Please?

Ever since I hit my teenage years, I have somehow stumbled into this pattern of sleeping late into the day and not going to sleep until the early hours of the morning (sometimes pulling all-nighters). I guess I feel that if I go to sleep during the night, I'm going to miss out on some grown-up shit that I really don't want to miss. That habit surely needs to be broken.

Again, it's currently 4:53 A.M. and I'm still yet to sleep. What's worse is that, being in this routine (especially over recent years) seems to have had quite a negative effect on my health. I've suffered numerous throat infections, lung infections and I've also developed, what's known as, a 'Hiatus Hernia'. Because of this, I've developed anxiety, which was (and still sort of is) causing me to have panic attacks. Another factor may substantially be down to my lifestyle and diet.

I really need to start taking better care of myself if I want to be able to have any chance of getting better, as well as having the life I wish to provide for my future. I'm not the sort of person that gives up without a fight, and I'll even keep fighting when there is no hope; that's just my mentality, and I'm sure as hell not going to give up now!

Just Some Recent Observations...

It seems to me that a lot of people recently (now, more than ever) have no appreciation for anything in life. They're always complaining about how shit, dull, boring, and depressing etc. it is, but to be honest, seeing people like this is really starting to depress the fuck out of me.

I've recently had a life changing experience which lead to this epiphany. I've got to live my life and appreciate everything that there is in this world that it has to offer. I no longer wanna take anything for granted and I no longer wanna feel that depression and hatred that I used to feel towards almost EVERYTHING.

I'll admit that (just like everyone else), I will occasionally get frustrated and feel the urge to break, destroy and/or kill things; but that's what makes us human, right? We all get these feelings from time to time and we all experience human emotion which includes love, depression, and other unexplainable feelings but... I've found my own way to deal with it.

I've started to realise and appreciate the beauty of life. I feel I've become more laid back despite all of the problems I've recently had. I've noticed that I can watch a sunrise/sunset, that I can go lay on the grass and just let all my problems drift away. I've realised who my TRUE FRIENDS are and I've tried spending more time with them. I'm pushing forward to make my career happen (even if it is taking forever!), and I'm just seeing the natural beauty of the world. These are all things I've found it hard to do; some that I have never done before.

So basically, what I'm saying to ALL of these people who feel that their lives suck or, that life in general sucks; maybe you should try to find a way to appreciate this life and this world.

YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE, SO GO AND FUCKING LIVE IT!